Friday, 14 November 2014

shipping, body image and just more venting

Hi guys. Firstly, I just watched the new Vampire Diaries episode and please just let me freak out for a minute because OH MY GOD. The rain scene! The! Rain! Scene! I did not know such beauty could exist in the world. I cried/am still crying/feel this deep ache in my chest when I think about it. 

 This happens me with any Damon/Elena scene in that show, there is something so captivating and fascinating about their relationship. And how impossibly HOT Ian Somerhalder/Damon Salvatore is. Like really. I honestly have never seen a more beautiful human, but you really need to watch the show to understand it. I truly love Damon's character so much, even when the show becomes mediocre his character has always been written so well, so impossibly complex. Not to mention, Ian Somerhalder himself is SUCH a kick-ass person with the ISF and everything. His acting is so unbelievable, like in the last episode in his speech to Elena when they were dancing, ahhhhhhhh. I'll stop. I can understand if you don't find clips that interesting without having watched all the seasons of the show, you really have to have seen the build-up and pain to this point to appreciate it.
I'll link it here if any of you want to put yourselves through the one minute and eight seconds of emotional turmoil that simultaneously made me love the world and hate it. I warned you.

 Secondly, something that has been talked about a lot on social media recently is people saying 'Victoria's Secret models should be real women!' and the popular response being 'Umm they're real women too! Do you think they're sims? Holograms? LOL.' So this is definitely true, but to an extent. Those women have worked for their image and are still, shockingly, living breathing humans. But, not everyone can look like that. Whether it's due to physical conditions such as illness or other health issues, genetics, circumstances etc. And so as this image of these models is presented as the ideal, perfect way to look, an abundance of women are left feeling unjustly inferior. This can be the cause of illnesses such as depression or anorexia, which are so devastating and it pains me that something as worthless as a marketing ploy can cause someone's health to deteriorate. But even if this isn't the case, I know I've watched fashion shows and even if just temporarily, hated my appearance, everything about it, because I didn't, and would never look like them. I would never be able to feel comfortable in my skin because why should I when I'm so terrible compared to the beauty of people like that. It's toxic. So toxic. 

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.” 

― Simone de Beauvoir
(This quote has been floating around in my mind all throughout writing this. Hm.)


 I also disagree with those campaigns where they show a picture of a row of 40-year-old not-the-skinniest white women and claim 'Now THESE are real women!' It actually worries me that some people don't see the errors in this. It's so clearly contradictory and just, agh. Now if they had a range of ethnicities, weights, body types, and physical states then I would have agreed. 


“What becomes of a man who acquires a beautiful woman, with her "beauty" his sole target? He sabotages himself. He has gained no friend, no ally, no mutual trust: She knows quite well why she has been chosen. He has succeeded in buying something: the esteem of other men who find such an acquisition impressive.” 


So one thing I've realised lately - I love things too much. I do. I know it sounds silly but let me explain. I love things or people or ideas so much that no one could ever feel equally towards me, it's seems physically impossible. For example, when I think of someone I love, I feel to such strength that I worry myself. I'm at a constant state of seeming inferiority, slight emptiness and, well, delusion. I don't know if it stems from my desire to be positive, or to be love and be loved, or simply to feel things. I've always found feelings wholly uninteresting unless they're intense and memorable. Does anyone else feel like this? Please don't think this is some cry for help from a perpetually insecure teenager because it's not, I could change this if I wanted, but I won't. It's not hard to imagine why. I think in my lifetime, above everything, I just want to feel things. From new experiences, people, places, perspectives, stories, music, tragedies.


since feeling is first 

- E.E. Cummings

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis


(Any excuse to include an E.E. Cummings poem. How I wish I could write like this.)

 SONG: Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol

I have been SO excited to write about this lately because it's clearly not new or anything and I've heard it/seen it live (sigh) years ago but you know when you're in the mind state for a certain song and sometimes, just sometimes, you find it just when you need it and it feels like it finds you too.

 Snow Patrol have always been my favourite band, and I love so many of they're songs, their lyrics, their power. I really want to learn this song on guitar, but I'd never be able to do it justice. In this song there is just something that enthralled me when I listened to it randomly a few weeks ago. I love the lyrics so much. They really make me think. And create a movie in my head. Which has been happening with certain songs I've listened to lately. Consequently, I have a lot of (terrible) short film ideas, many of which revolve around the mesmerising Bon Iver song 'Wash.'


"First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love."


TV SHOW: AHHHH! I just realised that I still haven't mentioned my love for The Mindy Project on here yet. Basically, I just really, really love that show. I caught up over halloween break and it is so well-written and truly hilarious. I was such a huge fan of Mindy herself before watching the show and now I'm in even more in awe of her.

My next post is going to be about more life-related-rambling as well as some books (although most books I've read lately are just old poetry anthologies I found in my house and I don't really have much to write about on them here) and pictures of the AMAZING package my penpal and favourite human Kara sent me. 

As usual, it;s 12:45am. Ha. Ha. Ha. Goodnight. I'm so tired I'm not even going to check this for spelling mistakes. Or add photos. LOL I am so bad at this. GOOD NIGHT.